Pondering stopping the meds.

This has been a difficult week, much chest congestion, coughing, etc., but I still went to work.  Grueling.

Anyway, I was thinking just yesterday about my Bipolar Disorder.  I was re-reading my manuscript for the last time before publishing and remembered how numb I felt when I was first on my medication.  I didn't feel like I had any energy or emotions.  A black hole. At that point, it never occurred to me to stop taking my meds because I couldn't handle the "downs" of my disease.  Now that I am stable and my emotions are more normal - although I never cry at the movies anymore - I can understand why people would stop taking their meds.  Just to get the highs again would be great.  Unfortunately, the highs are soon followed by very deep troughs.  That's a very scary place.  And that's what keeps me on my meds.  I do sometimes wonder if my creativity would be better without the meds.  Even in the depths of my despair, I had very creative periods.  It's an ambivalence - being at my best and worst almost simultaneously.  Forgive me, I'm rambling.  Just wanted to get that out there for anyone who is considering stopping their meds.  It's not worth it.  Just keep working with your doctor to get the right meds for you and you will find a peaceful place to exist where you can be happy and not have to deal with the suicidal thoughts.  Take care of yourself and be the best you can be.  It will be enough.